I can't watch pbs sober anymore
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
