please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
