I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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