I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
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Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
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This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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