can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
People in love make me want to vomit
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
