Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
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I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
