I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
