Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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