Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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