you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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