I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
