how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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