He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
