you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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