just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
