My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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