Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
