I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
