Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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