I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
