I'm laying in your front yard are you home
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
