I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
