Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
