I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
