and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize