My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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