How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
