the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
