I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
