there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
