So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
