How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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