My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
