Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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