Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
