Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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