I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sober January is a disaster.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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