I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
