I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
