I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
