Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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