I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
