I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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