took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
