my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
