He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Let's get the cat blown out
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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