she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
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It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
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You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.