Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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