I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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