Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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