did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
