I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
