you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You smell like stripper and shame
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
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I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
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I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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