Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
