There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
