new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
