Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
