There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
