I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
